Positive Outlook -- Part One

So, what do me, popebuck1 and BlogSpot Boy do when they're all trapped at work on a Friday after Thanksgiving? We be writers, damnit. We be writing. Rob came up with the title, and the first and last lines. We passed it around, writing mostly ten-line chunks. And this is the first part of what we came up with....

Positive Outlook

By Doug Reed, Buck Hakes, and Rob Matsushita

Scene: An employee break room inside the Fermi Particle Accelerator outside of Chicago. As the lights come up, we see alarm lights flashing. A voice on a loudspeaker is repeating "Code Red: This is not a drill." We see DR. J. ROBERTA ROBERTHEIMER, in full-blown crisis management mode. She is stunningly gorgeous in that cliched, "she takes the glasses off and lets her hair down" sort of wqy. At the moment, however, her glasses are most decidedly on, and her hair is in a bun so tight that it may snap her scalp in half. Standing next to her is STEPHEN JAIRKOV, data entry temp. Stephen is a gentle soul. Long hair. Beard. Soft brown eyes. He wears his shirt and tie awkwardly. The temp agency told him he had to wear it.The audience can smell the Patchouli just looking at him.

Stephen and Dr. Robertheimer are looking at the microwave in the break room with a great deal of concern. It is bulging and there is an otherworldly glow emanating from it.

 

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

How did you even fit it in the microwave? I want answers, jerk-off.

STEPHEN

Jairkov. It's Ukranian.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

What's Ukranian?

STEPHEN

My name, Jairkov. The temp agency sent me. It's my first day.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

The temp agency? God damn these budget cuts. Don't you know the first thing about particle physics? Quantum theory?

STEPHEN

The spec said I had to type 50 words per minute.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Jesus Christ, how the hell did you even get in here? Wait. Never mind. Just tell me what you did to the microwave. Very slowly. Be precise. Omit nothing.

STEPHEN

I was taking my 10:15 - 10:30 break, and I came in here, and� oh, no. It's 10:32. I have to get back to my desk.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

We're under lockdown, you cretin! Neither of us is going anywhere.

STEPHEN

But I'll get fired. I can't lose this job. I have guitar payments.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

READ. MY. LIPS. What - did you do - to the microwave?

STEPHEN

Oh, yeah. That. Well, I came in here at 10:18 precisely, because I had to stop and take a poo first.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER (reacts with disgust)

The hell? Why are you telling me this?

STEPHEN

Well, you said to omit nothing.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

So I did. Anyway. Go on.

STEPHEN

So I came into the break room, and there was this guy standing by the microwave. I think he works over in your area. Big dude, with a wooden leg.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Dr. Rosario??? What was he doing over here???

STEPHEN

I was getting to that part!

 

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Sorry. So, he was standing by the microwave?

STEPHEN

Yeah. But he ran out the back when he saw me come in. Well, not "ran," exactly. He hobbled out the back when he saw me come in.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Was he carrying anything?

STEPHEN

I don't remember.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

You don't remember?

STEPHEN

I was thumbing through my book, One Hundred Years Of Solitude by�

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Listen to me, you wooly-headed� English major.

STEPHEN

Philosophy major, English minor.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Comb that THC-addled brain of yours and tell me - Did you observe Dr. Rosario carrying anything?

STEPHEN

Um� I think, like, his lunchbox.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Black box, about yea big? Had a "Danger: Radiation" symbol on the side?

STEPHEN

Yeah, that's the one.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Good God. He's gone and done it.

STEPHEN

Really?

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Shut up. Jerkoff -

STEPHEN

Jairkov.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Shut up. You and I are going to have to defuse this microwave right now, or else the world will be in serious shit. Do you understand?

STEPHEN

Not really, no.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

I figured as much. Okay, then. I want you to go out in the hall and find someone, ANYONE who can help us. You won't be able to go far, because the corridor is sealed off. But we might just stand a chance if we can find one of the engineers.

STEPHEN

What about Dr. Rosario?

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Not a chance - he's far too clever to have gotten trapped here with us. I'm sure he's miles away in a safe bunker by now.

STEPHEN

No he's not, dude. He's right behind you.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Please tell me that I'm not about to turn around and see a large man with a wooden leg with an evil gleam in his one remaining eye.

STEPHEN

I can't vouch for the evil gleam, seeing as he's wearing safety goggles, but otherwise your description is reasonably accurate.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

And please tell me that I'm not about to hear a booming "BWAH HAHAHAHA!"

DR. ROSARIO

BWAH HA HA HA HA HA!

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

And please tell me he's not holding a small device about the size of a TV remote, with a pulsating light on top.

STEPHEN

He is, actually.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

And please tell me the light's not red.

STEPHEN

No, it's green.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

That's the only piece of good news I've had today.

DR. ROSARIO

Hello, Roberta. So lovely to see you again.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Here to gloat, you evil bastard?

DR. ROSARIO

Yes. (somewhat embarrassed) And I didn't get out through the safety doors in time.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Hah! That's just perfect! After all these years, my arch-nemesis has finally met with his ironic comeuppance!

DR. ROSARIO

Arch-nemesis? We've been working in the same lab for ten years. And, hey, I was coming back anyway.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Ah, shut up, you jerk.

DR. ROSARIO

Jerk?!?!?

STEPHEN

Um, is it important for me to know what's going on?

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

No, no, not really.

DR. ROSARIO

Oh, fine. I'll explain, pothead.

STEPHEN

Jairkov.

DR. ROSARIO

Snappy comeback. Anyway, after weeks of research and enormous trial and error, I have done it.

STEPHEN

Done what?

DR. ROSARIO

After melting down seven pounds of Unobtainium, Plutonium nitrate, Solominite and mixing it with a special Tanis Root compound, I sprayed the whole magilla with 245 Trioxin and crammed the whole beaker into the microwave, which is controlled with this remote.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

You bastard. That was my favorite beaker.

STEPHEN

And my favorite microwave.

DR. ROSARIO

Shut up. Do you know what happens if I push this button?

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Dear God, no.

DR. ROSARIO

That's right, Dr. Robertheimer.

STEPHEN

What?

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

The particles in the mixture will be animated by the microwave. Given the frequency of the microwave oven's output, it will cause a chain reaction. When that happens, it'll be like a smaller version of the Big Bang-like a Baby Bang. That means that it will create a small universe made out of pure anti-matter. One that will implode immediately, destroying this hemisphere and permanently contaminating all points beyond.

DR. ROSARIO

No, actually, you're totally wrong. What a lame plan that would have been. I mean, I'm still on this hemisphere. What am I, fuckin' stupid?!?

STEPHEN

So, wait�what is the plan?

DR. ROSARIO

Better to just show you�

Dr. Rosario presses the button. SOUND and FURY!!! LIGHTS FLASH ON AND OFF!

The microwave goes "DING!"

A second later, it pops open.

An evil grinning FACE is inside.

Fascinated and intrigued? See popebuck1 for more details.